By Tony Deyal
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” If that is not enough for the world to consider Steve Martin both a consummate entertainer and a glib consummate entertainer, try these for size. “All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”
“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” – “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” and “Lorne (his friend) is the kind of power producer who can get things done with simply a phone call. Especially pedicure.” Worse, even though he was compulsive and focused on his art and craft, he said, “The greatest thing you can do is to surprise yourself.”
Given that Steve Martin is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and musician, I am sure there is much more he can do at this stage and age. In fact, a few nights ago, I saw him on the “Jimmy Kimmel Show” and it was clear that with his new book, banjo playing and jokes he clearly has a long, long way still to go. In fact, when same-sex weddings were legalized in New York, Steve said to his friend, Alec Baldwin, the actor, and film producer, “Alec! Now we can get married!” To which Baldwin said, “Okay, but if you play that effing banjo after eleven o’clock…”
The only way Steve Martin can surprise himself now is not to hit age 80 on August 14. Like me, he was born on August 1945. However, I was born four days before him and I am doing everything possible to be able to send him a note on my birthday telling him, “Well, Sir Steve Martin, excuse me. Please!” Then, while waiting for his response, I will continue to read some more of his humour.
Here are some more that I like because of the link of facts, humour, and his own incredible style. “Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It is something I only get to do when Crystal is out of town.”; “I am tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do. Period!”; “I have got to keep breathing. It will be my worst business mistake if I don’t.”; “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.”; “Dinosaurs did not walk with humans. The evolutionary record says different. They gambled.”
It is difficult to reduce the almost 80 years into all his jokes and comments but here is a mix that will make us think and still crack us up: “You know what I love about Los Angeles? It’s the only place where you can have a brown Christmas. – “I remember when I was born.
I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” – A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie personality who is no longer in a relationship.” – “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – “I thought about becoming a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.” – “I’m so happy. I found a buttonhole that matches one of my buttons!” – “Some people have a way with words, and other people… not have way.” – “I was the class clown— but you know, I was in grammar school, so I was only the class part-time entertainer,” and “I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was: an arctic region covered with ice.”
But just to help you understand the extreme, off-key humour here are two. First, “I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. And of course, I bought some dumb stuff too.” Then this, “I got a standing ovation the other night. I had to stand up to take a drink of water.”
Thinking about that special Steve Martin mix, here are some more. First, there is Billy Crystal, the comedian and filmmaker, “Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman- it’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.” There were also, “Comedy is not pretty. It’s a lot of later nights, a lot of rejection, and a lot of looking in the mirror saying, ‘What aren’t I funnier.’”; “How to make a million dollar: First, get a million dollars.” – “I got into comedy to meet women. Unfortunately, so did most of the women.”; and one for the female road, “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” The women seem to be difficult and hard to understand, “I remember the first time I had a date with a girl. She asked me to take off my shirt. Then she asked me to take off my pants. Then she asked me to leave.”
This takes me to my Trinidad-born friend and colleague, Zeno Obi Constance, who deserves a national award for his knowledge, ongoing lists, and background of our country’s Calypso. As we say, they go from bard to verse, starting in the 18th Century and is still as good as gold so many years after in his 75th year in 2025. The one thing that he knows very well is that we in Trinidad and the Caribbean love and look forward for the humour, the double-entendre, which is always open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué. Take a look, to end this article, with “Kaiso” (or Calypso) compared with Steve Martin and the US.
First is brother Valentino on “Birth Control.” He sang, “No woman eh go give me no story/ About how she making baby for me, not me/ I could never catch myself in that jam/ I “breaksing” (hiding) from child like any woman/ And the secret is in the palm of my hand.” Then there is the female, Mirasa Joseph with “My Single Pan.”
Her approach is: “I feel to ramajay (sing and make music) all by myself alone/ Nothing eh stopping me I do so happily/ I am in a perfect role when I am playing alone.” The great Chinese calypsonian, “Chang Kaichek” did, “Naughty Boy”, which went, “Whole day you pitching marble/ From yard to yard well you causing trouble/ Must tell you that what happened last night/ In the middle of the night you still flying kite.” And to end with the great Explainer, “I love Miss Palmer in her arms I feel better/ She lights up my fire/ I doh want to get AIDS or herpes/ Or any kind of sexual transmitted disease…”
*Tony Deyal’s version of a Steve Martin joke, “I love to go to the gym and watch the ladies jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.”
