By Tony Deyal
First of all, I should have gone earlier to put things together and make sure they worked, were demanded and liked by my wife, especially. Unfortunately, I waited too long. Going into the weekend immediately before Christmas and hoping to complete all the commitments for the entire year was not good or possible. I tried, nearly died, but my wife sighed and said loudly for the children and the neighbours to hear, “Once again, he can’t do anything I ask him to do, even things like this which I can do in a second.” I almost replied, “Well, why did you put me for what takes months if you can do it in less than a minute?” But I knew better. I did get something together.
My wife and children laughed mainly because I dropped a bomb in the house and alcohol everywhere else while I scratched my head and looked found and found, wondering where to start. I also thought of telling my wife that, as one of my friends said, “Despite the chaos, I love the hum of the season, decorating, baking, and hearing the music that fills the air.” Fortunately, I kept quiet; otherwise, I would have been in the air and falling in the yard among the “other” dogs.
My wife had it clear. Instead of buying dozens of random presents for us, the children, friends and family, each person receives seven kinds of gifts, each with a clear purpose including something they really wanted, something they needed, something to wear, something to read, something to do, one gift for the whole family and one gift to give to others. What I thought was that the one thing I knew and was very good at was what to give the others. Jokes, I knew, were the way to go. Given the weather, I could ask the neighbour, “What do you get if you cross a snowman and a dog?” Then tell them “Frostbite” and hope the dog didn’t bite me.
Once I passed that, I knew I would be good for days with, “Why did the tree go to the barber?” It needed a trim.; “What do you give a snowman with a fever?” A chill pill.; “Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?” They always drop their needles. “What did one snowman say to the other who was complaining?” Don’t worry — you’ll melt under pressure or my wife. “What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause, and, “What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?” The cold shoulder.”
Fortunately, the children and my wife joined in. My son came up with, “What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?” When we didn’t know, he laughed loudly, “Frostbite.” My daughter, not wanting her brother to win the crown, came up with, “What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s workshop?” She then grinned and said, “Mine is better! A rebel without a Claus!” My wife came in with, “Kids, I have one about your father. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes, especially when he’s fishing?” Then they all joined in with, “Daddy is a nervous wreck!”
Of course, when the kids get together outside enjoying themselves with singing, eating and running around the house, the parents had their drinks and made their own jokes. This is where you had some jokes for the seniors, including “Why does Santa always land on your roof?”
The answer: “Because he likes it on top!” Then there is, “What’s Santa’s favourite part of the turkey!” Laughing, one said, “The thighs!” And then it went quickly, and without the children around, nothing could stop them with jokes like, “Are you Christmas?” Because I want to unwrap you all night long. “Baby, it’s cold outside…but it’s about to get hot in here,” one lady added. “Very true. Santa got a list, and I’m pretty sure we belong on the naughty side.”
Another one said when she got too much:“My favourite holiday tradition? Sitting on Santa’s lap…repeatedly.” Another asked one of the men, “Is that a yule log in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” The man replied, “Your stocking is so good that it will not be the only thing I want to stuff this year!”; another came up with, “Santa said he’s got a present for me, but it’s not under the tree…yet!”; and another ended the discussion by asking the husband while his wife was around, “Are you Santa my lovely man? Because I can tell you that you’ve got me saying, ‘Ho Ho Ho!”
Regardless of who was a “Ho” or even “who”, the “big-people” joke ended for good when one was heard saying to the husband of the house while his wife was nearby and heard one of the ladies saying to her husband: “You must be made of Christmas lights because you’re turning me on.”
The discussion then went through the “general” and not the scanty or even the Santa. One of the men said to the group when they settled down to enjoy their time with “friends”, “You know they say the best Christmas gifts are from the heart … but cash is good too!” He then added: “Happy Christmas.” Another came up with: “Merry Christmas!” and added. “May the magic of the holidays be with you even when you open your next credit card bill.” Then they came quick and fast, “For some, the best part of Christmas happens when it’s all over! Wishing you a stress-free Christmas season!”
“Merry Christmas! May the lines at the stores you shop at be short, and may your patience be long this holiday season! Christmas is all about spending time with the best people, like all of you here. So, make sure you spend the entire day with us tomorrow. Merry Christmas. Then one of the ladies added: “Santa told me you’d been very good this year; I told him it was just a lack of opportunity. Merry Christmas! Then there were, “Happy holidays! May your eggnog contain enough rum to get you through the Christmas season!” and in my case and many others, “May the calories of Christmas disappear by the New Year. Happy Holidays!”
For the people from the Caribbean and beyond, I was asked to reach out to the comments from those abroad and to see it as a link which, at Christmas, brings the world together, one and all, race, creed and class, as well as there being One God under heaven.
The great Katharin Whiehorn, a British journalist, was right with: “From a commercial point of view, if Christas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.” And Phyllis Diller, the American stand-up comedian, explained: “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” And to end it, Patrick O’Rourke and American author, journalist and satirist, was right when he said: “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmas time.”
*Tony Deyal liked Erma Bombeck’s belief that “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
