By Tony Deyal
My beloved wife gave me a card on my birthday that is what, in my early days in the club, I would have called an “Ace of Spades” until, as my friends used to say, “Well boy Tony, you ketch your Ace and now you have to get money to pay for your loss. This is when you need a spade to work in the rice or cane field.
From a King of Diamonds, you lose everything and become a tingtang.” But, as I said to myself, this “ting” my wife gave me, together with a “Sword” to put on the wall as a “chop-chop” if anybody tried to get into our house, was brilliant and appropriate. It went, “TO MY GUY on his birthday. You’ve always been a simple guy with very simple needs. You need a mower for your grass. A whacker for your week. You need your TV remote.
You need your ice-cold brew. You need to belch from time to time (Most manly husbands do!). You need a little R&R to get you through the day. You never need to ask directions when you’re on your way. Your needs are pretty simple, but today you have one more. You need to know that you’re the man I will always adore. Happy Birthday with love.” The HAULMARK had a few questions to answer like, “Who is R&R?” I made it clear why I don’t mind at all a double with Roxie and Rosalia, but let me tell you flat, I don’t want and will run like heck if you give me Rex and Riley! You hear!”
In addition to my wife, many of the over five hundred or more folks, men and women as well as a few kids, said some good stuff to make me love, like and a few, laugh like hell. I liked reading from friends about continuing this life journey, giving them all “these t reassured moments” of my life. One or two told me, “You wear it well,” but I wasn’t sure if it was my “washy-kong” (which Caribbean people know as rubber-sole or stole shoes) or the caps I love, especially one my son gave me to wear on my Birthday party. It was based on a hat that I used when I was on a Hubert Humphrey Fellowship in Boston and had to perform.
The Caribbean folks refused, so I linked with the folks from South America, put on my cap, and sang jokes about the folks who were in charge while my Spanish friends handled the music and the chorus with me dancing like the Trini I am. One of my friends, Jardeen Seeram, saw me differently, “Was looking to crack you another old age joke, but alas, at your age, you have heard them all. Enjoy the moment.” Another said that at 78, he went to prepay for a cremation and when he asked the boss, “What if I die in a fire?” the man said, “Well, you get half your money back!”
I told my friend, to heck with it. I would give him and my other friends some humour that they wouldn’t have to pay for and can also share with their people. For instance, the funny birthday wishes like, “This is the youngest you’ll ever be. Happy Birthday Tony!” There was also, “Boy, Tony. It’s hot like hell in here? It has to be all the candles on your 80th birthday cake.” I had a nice one from a female friend.
“Tony, you’re not old man. You’re simply aged to perfection.” Fortunately, my wife did not hear that. There were a few that I found funny: “Another year, another candle on the cake. At this rate, your cake is going to need its own fire extinguisher”. Happy Birthday Tony! You’re not getting older, you’re just upgrading to a version with more ‘wisdom’ and much less ‘teeth’”; Tony, don’t forget to wear your birthday suit! But make sure you chick it for wrinkles first.”; “Listen”, said our older lady family, “Tony, I hope you celebrate the birthday the way you celebrated the first one you had; named and screaming like hell.” My reply to all of them was, “Listen. Let me remind all of you that your childhood and old talk has now expired. A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age.”
The age is the thing to worry about or, at least, take in stride. With old age comes new skills; you can laugh, sneeze and piddle yourself all at once. It also comes with friends who love making jokes at your expense, like: “Tony- smile while you still have some teeth”; “Tony boy, I’ve kept the receipt for the gift I bought for you just in case you don’t make it.”; and even, “I know birthdays like your get worse as you get older, but I think you should look on the bright side- at least, not many left now you know!”
This is why I like, “Tony boy, it’s true I forgot your birthday, but, on the bright side, I also don’t remember your age. How much again, young man, 22?” Even more was a friend who stopped in front of our house and shouted to me while I was trying to clean up the place, especially the bottles and bits of food everywhere, “Tony, I know you had lots of birthday wishes yesterday, who is thinking of you today? Me, your friend.” I replied, “Well, if you are really my friend, park the car, come in and help me clean up the place. Look, I even have a bag for you to pick up and put in some of the stuff the drinkers throw down.”
This is why I decided to go for big-time people and what they say about old men like me. Bob Hope, the American comedian, makes it clear, “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” There were a few more I liked: “You’re getting old when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.” (Felix Severn); English actor, Norman Wisdom believes:
“As you get older, three things happen. The fist is your memory god, and I can’t remember the other two.” Then the women, starting with Betty White, the US comedian, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”; Phyllis Diller, also a US comedian, “I’m an age when my back goes out more than I do.” and “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” Then there is Bettle Midler, another US comedian, “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” To end it, the great singer Doris Day, “The really frightening then about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.”
*Tony Deyal was last seen laughing at John Wagners joke, “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.”
