By Tony Deyal
The idiom “blowing your own trumpet” means to boast about your achievements or abilities in a way that makes you proud as Punch. Unfortunately, when Donald Trump shows his personal Trumpet, people laugh at his front from behind his back. Actually, Jimmy Kimmel, the top television host, gave the pornographic film actress, Stormy Daniels, a plate of carrots and after she sized them up, she picked the smallest one. Jimmy explained that in terms of Trump, “no one has been this let down by 2-inches since Stormy.”
In fact, one night in 2006, Trump supposedly had a night with Stormy. Whatever they had that night was not as stormy as what happened after Trump’s former attorney, Michael Cohen, paid US$130,000 to Stormy to stop her from storming even more. While Stormy was considered a Strumpet, the blower of his own Trumpet, Trump himself, got trumped by a Trumpet Player who had created an iPhone app to teach people how to play the Trumpet. After six years, Trump had to pay. In other words, he is more than a Trumpet, he is a flute with a whistle mouthpiece and seven finger holes. Around him are wind instruments and recorders who suck up to him with false information. For me, in Trumpeting terms, this is what I see as the “Bb Trumpet” which is a common type of brass also known as the “ABC”.
The next is a “T C Trumpet” which has a slightly brighter sound that an ABC, and is more than enough to show you what kind of person Trump is. He was addressing a political rally in Pennsylvania when he was lucky to escape an assassination attempt. However, a brave firefighter was shot dead after he tried to protect his family. Art collectors and investors, John and Amy Phelan, held a function that raised $38 million to help the family. Trump made a speech, “So they’re going to get millions of dollars but the woman, the wife, this beautiful woman, I handed her the check…and she said, ‘This is so nice, and I appreciate it, but I’m much rather have my husband.’ Now I know some of the women in this room wouldn’t say the same. I know at least four couples. There are four couples…that I know and you’re not one of them. At least four couples here would have been thrilled, actually.”
Someone, who was very unhappy when Trump “escaped”, said publicly that Trump narrowly escaping death is like trying to reach the last bus- “unfortunately, just missed.” Another shouted on stage, “Don’t miss Trump next time!” Unfortunately, the after-the-fact gets nowhere. In dealing with this Trumpet, you must understand that George Washington couldn’t tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth. And Donald Trump can’t tell the difference.
Now we come to the “B b Pocket Trumpet” which is supposedly unique with a more refined sound. This is where Barack Obama pocketed the prize for eviscerating the Trumpet with, “A 78-year-old billionaire who hasn’t stopped whining about his problems since he rode down his golden escalator nine years ago. It’s been a constant stream of gripes and grievances that’s actually gotten worse now that he’s afraid of losing to Kamala,” Obama continued speaking while holding his hands a few inches apart, a joke about anatomy over crowds, “The childish nicknames and crazy conspiracy theories and weird obsession with crowd size. It just goes on and on. The other day, I heard someone compare Trump to the neighbour who keeps running his leaf blower outside your window every minute of every day.” At this point, Obama paused and added that Harris “is not the neighbour running the leaf blower- she’s the neighbour rushing over to help when you need a hand.”
Shot number four, the “FLUGEL HORN”, is a distinctive wider more conical bore. Enough, in fat, to floor Trump. He and Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, “No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.” The second barber turned to Barack and said, “How about you, Obama?” Barack replied, “Go right ahead! My wife, Michelle, doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
Then there is the “Trumpet” and seeing that Barack Obama had just dumped the Trumpet in the “p”, we should consider “p” as “plastic”. In 1990 Ivana Trump said under oath that her husband flew into a fit of rage due to the pain and displeasure with a scalp reduction surgery, performed in 1989. Also known as alopecia reduction, the surgery is intended to correct balding, and involves cutting the bald spot out and sewing the remaining skin back together. The tightened scalp can cause headaches and swelling. Then Trump subsequently had liposuction on his chin and waist. Perhaps this is why Trump showed off his “figure”. Fortunately, Jimmy Kimmel was there and said that Trump first claimed to weigh 215 pounds and then made himself lighter than his last physical test when he was president.
This caused Kimmel to say that either Trump was lying or “flying his chicken in Ozempic.” Ozempic is a weekly injection that helps lower blood sugar by helping the pancreas make more insulin. It is not approved for weight loss, but some physicians prescribe it. Most likely they might be supporters of J.D. Vance, Trump’s next in line, who with many others, might be betting on the Ozempic to win the battle. Without trying to “p” on Trump, Kimmel said, “I saved Trump’s life at the rally. I yelled Donald Duck.”
The “D Trumpet” which comes next is more piercing. It was break time and the doctors were sitting together. An English doctor bragged, “We are so clever that we transplanted a heart into a patient, and he was able to function properly in a few months!” A German doctor replied: “That is nothing. Our country is so advanced that we were able to replace a man’s backbone and in a few weeks he was able to walk!” A Russian doctor interrupted them. “My country is above all of you. My patient needed a whole brain transplant and in a few days he was able to walk and find a job.” An American doctor came in and said, “We are the most clever people. We treated a man with no heart, no backbone and no brains and he became our president overnight!!!”
The “Piccolo Trumpet” is the smallest member of the whole Trumpet family. Marco Rubio, one of Trump’s rivals, pointed out, “He is taller than me, he is 6’ 2” but his hands are the size of someone who is 5’ 2.” Rubio then asked, “Have you seen his hands? And you know what they say about men with small hands…” The crowd erupted and then Rubio added, “…You can’t trust them.”
The final one is “The Bugle” which is a brass instrument for the military. Unlike Trump, they know what they have to do when the new President takes over and the Trumpet goes marching home or some other place.
*Tony Deyal was last seen asking what Donald Trump said when he couldn’t find his Viagra. The erection is rigged!
