By Tony Deyal
Ten years ago, when I was 69, my friends had a ball making fun of me. My bawling back at them only made it worse. They hit me with the Mighty Sparrow’s song, “Number 69”, especially the chorus: “ The customer’s always right and to please you is my delight/ I am here to entertain, I ain’t want your money in vain/ but if you really want good performance/ I ain’t believe in a one-sided romance/ You got to make up your mind,/ meh number is 69″.
In less than two months from now, I will be 79 but sixty-nine hasn’t left me. However, what I now experience is not the up/down, round and found, but the one that put “Patrick In Trouble”. According to the calypsonian, Andrew Haywood (known as “Hawk”), “Ah sorry for him/ But he is to blame./ He used to boast/ About the dame. He used to say that she was divine/But poor Patrick, Brother, well he take a six for a nine!”
That too will pass away and, in its place, we will have 93. The Australian-born Rupert Murdoch, whose media empire includes The Wall Street Journal, Fox News and about US$20 billion, got married last Saturday. It happened at Murdoch’s vineyard estate in Bel Air, California and, for me, it was the vine of astonishment. Given that this was mister Murdoch’s fifth marriage would he have time for a six, or is he taking a six for a nine even though he is one short?
I was thinking about what an 80-year-old lady, who had just married for the fourth time, told the media. One interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.” I hope that she does not go for a fifth like Murdoch since, according to the bible, “And the Lord said unto John: ‘Come forth and you will receive eternal life’.” But John came fifth and won a toaster. Who knows whether he will hit a six or become toast in the hands of his new wife?
The first of Murdoch’s wives was an Australian flight attendant who either took flight or was thrown off the plane in the 1960s when he divorced her. He and his second wife, Anna Tory, a newspaper reporter, lasted 30 years and then he dumped her (or she dumped him) in 1999. His third marriage to Wendi Deng was ok but that ended, and he moved on to model Jerry Hall, formerly the long-time partner of (appropriately) Rolling Stones frontman, Mick Jagger. But that was Deng and then Jerry had to Hall her whatever because last year mister Murdoch announced his engagement to a “dental hygienist-turned-conservative radio host Ann Lesley Smith. However, he called it off after a month.
In other words, 30 days have September, April, June and Ann. His “new” wife, Elena Zhukova, a Russian, was married and divorced twice so far and, as one comedian said, is climbing up a three.
I am sure that the relationship will go beyond 69 and the new Mrs. Murdoch would not respond like the wife whose husband asked her, “Hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?” She made it clear, “The number you have dialled is not in service at this time!” Or like the youngster who asked his father, “Dad, what is 69?” His father thought about it for a while and then explained to the boy, “Well son, it is a position where a man and a woman pleasure each other orally at the same time.” The boy was not sure and asked his dad, “So, what shall I write? Odd or even?” It might not be either. The fact is that when you move from 68 and hit 69 what comes after is not 70. It’s Listerine.
In the case of a 93-year-old man it might be “blisterine”. Last week, two men were talking about the wedding of their boss, and one complained to the other, “It’s ridiculous. He’s rich is true but he’s 93 years old. What kind of wedding is that?” The other said, “Well we have a name for it in my family.” His friend asked: “What do you call it” and his colleague replied, “We call it a football wedding.” His friend had no idea what a football wedding was and asked his friend who replied, “It means that she’s waiting for him to kick off!”
Talking about that, a youngster’s grandmother started running 5K (five kilometre’s) a day since she was 60. She had reached 93 and he had no idea where she was. A tough old cowboy once told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life he should sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this every day until he died at age 93, leaving 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a thirteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. You don’t even have to reach that age to find 93 useful. A 60-year-old millionaire found a way of getting married to a 23-year-old beauty. He faked his age. He told her he was 93.
However, 93 does not work for everybody. A 93-year-old man was sitting on the curb crying. A passerby stopped and asked him, “What’s the matter?” The old man looked up and cried even more, “I’m 93, married to a gorgeous 21-year-old who wants us to make love before breakfast, lunch and tea, and then twice again at night!” The passerby laughed, “So what’s the problem then?” The old man, crying even louder and pounding the seat he sat on, replied, “I can’t remember where I live!”
*Tony Deyal was last seen saying if he ever reaches 93, he hopes to be like the old man of that age who was marrying a twenty-year-old girl. His worried friend cautioned him, “At your age that could be fatal.” The old man replied, “So if she dies, she dies!”
