By Tony Deyal
Two cowboys were lost in the desert. One cowboy saw a tree covered with bacon. Happily, he said to his friend, “A bacon tree! We’re saved!”. He ran to the tree and was shot up with bullets. It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.
That is what we in the Caribbean face from the African Sahara dust which, instead of a strong breeze, gives us shortness of breath and fever for days. Despite this, instead of a coughing fit, I have a coffee fit. When people have expresso, I have depresso. I am so steeped in coffee that I am at the point where I don’t sweat, I percolate. My life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans. When people call me a “drip”, I consider that a compliment.
In Trinidad, one of the boys was called “Coffee” because when anybody made jokes about him, he shook his fists and threatened to “coffee” down. One day he tried it on a few of us and we picked him up and continued to throw him into the watery drain down the hill. He was good to the last drop. Then while at University in the US, I found out that “Coffee” is a girl’s name and means “a lovely woman.”
As one of my colleagues said: “Tony, she is not just as good as the last drop, but it is like having two at one go.” My response was, “You’re lucky she didn’t call the police for you and tell them she was mugged.”
Unlike those two “Coffees”, the word “coffee” entered the English Language in 1582 from the Dutch word “koffie” which originated from the Turkish “kahve”. What is better than the word is the product. I also found out that coffee makes your brain run better because it’s rocket fuel for your brain. When I told a friend that, he replied, “But Tony you have enough of that already! What will you do with more?” I told him the truth, “Well there’s no fuel like an old fuel. The first cup of coffee turbocharges my faculties to the point that coffee might be rewiring my brains.”
To cut this down from the many articles and books on coffee, let’s go, like the American radio stations, with the top ten. Coffee helps you lose weight, helps with depression, is nutritious and can act as pain relief. It is a great way to get more fibre and, at the same tie, decreases the risk of Type 2 Diabetes, Alzheimer’s and heart disease. Coming at number 9, scientists believe that the combination of a compound in coffee (called EHT) and caffeine helps to fight the onset of Parkinson’s in people who are predisposed to have the disease – in other words coffee may stop the developing of Parkinson’s.
And at number 10, Coffee might lower the risk of Multiple Sclerosis (MS) which is a disease that affects your eyes, brain, spine and muscles. Research shows that drinking four cups of coffee a day for people who are genetically predisposed to MS can reduce the dangerous neural inflammation that triggers the development of the disease. So, if anybody accuses you of being four-cup, tell them why!
My wife is a reader who looks at the downside of coffee and makes sure she sends me any negative about my morning drink (which is two glasses of water that she has no problem with) and a cup of black coffee which, when she complained about it, I told her, “Why you against my black coffee so? You is a racist?” But then I got into the Science Daily and now give her as good as I get. The headlines have included, “Used coffee grounds are a rich source of healthful antioxidants”, “Women who choose boiled coffee run lower risk of breast cancer, Swedish study finds”, “Coffee Reduces Breast Cancer Risk, Study Suggests” and a lot more. Despite all this, she has not changed her mind about coffee one little bit.
Once, long ago, when we had just met, I got her to taste a cup of my coffee. She spit it out and actually said that it tasted like mud. All I could do was explain to her that it was ground only ten minutes before. That, of course, did not help. But it does with my friends who, when they offer me a cup, first ask how I take my coffee. I make it clear, “Seriously. Very, very seriously.”
Fortunately, despite my wife’s concern about coffee, some of the best people whose jokes I love, and writing I follow, are coffee drinkers in a big way. David Letterman, who next to Johnny Carson was my favourite television host, claimed, “If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” My best choice as a writer and coffee lady, was Louisa May Alcott, Whether it was praise for Little Women, Little Men or Jo’s Boys, she always made it clear, “I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.”
While the “Rush Hour” star, Jackie Chan, insists “Coffee is a language in itself”, Abraham Lincoln cryptically told a waiter, “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” As a fan of the great poet, T.S. Eliot, I love his, “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons”. However, especially from my wife’s perspective, I am like the substance itself. I invariably end up in hot water.
What makes it worse is my love for jokes about coffee, including those about men or women. I will never say, “I like my coffee like my women. Ground up and in the freezer.” However, I also get in trouble with, “I like my coffee like my women. Hot and black.” I prefer to make a joke like, “I asked my wife why there was an empty milk bottle in the fridge?” Her reply was, “In case any of your friends want black coffee.” The response of other women regarding coffee and men can be fun. One of them, when asked about men and coffee laughed, “The best ones are rich, hot and keep you up all night.”
Another said: “Freshly ground.” The one that took the cake, ice-cream and the Pulitzer Prize came up with, “Tall, pale and sweet or dark and strong; first things in the morning, but not always every morning, or sometimes at night when I feel like staying up late.” Men are a pain in more ways than one. This one said, “I like my coffee how I like my women: hot and in a large cup.” Another’s dream was, “Totally satisfying for less than five bucks.”
This is why I prefer to ignore what men say about women and go for what I feel about coffee. The three I consider the best are, “I like my coffee the same way I like my mornings: caffeinated and optimistic.” – “Coffee and confidence: the perfect brew.”; and “I don’t need an inspirational quote; I need coffee.”
*Tony Deyal was last seen trying to get his male friends to check out a book in the Bible about how to make great coffee. It is called “Hebrews.”
