By Tony Deyal
For many of us, it does not seem to have been a very long time between our children getting deeply into their school’s “ABC” and almost suddenly reaching the higher level of “Always Be Creating (or Communicating)”. In between those early days and today, ABC has been A Busy compiler of words and meanings in almost every area including TV, for example, the American Broadcasting Companies (ABC). In other words, ABC, is not only “ketch-ah-crab” (as Trinidad writer Santiwah said) but almost anything nationally or globally important.
So, as we go forward, this is an ABC I passed on to my son when he got a job abroad, and would suggest you follow, not just with my article today but for the future.
“Accept nothing. Believe nothing. Check everything”. On the other hand, don’t start with Accept, Believe, Confess, unless you’re brave enough to do that with your father, mother, school principal, husband or wife. As I tell people, I can take a check any day but the true confession can be deadly. Old man Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, “Darling, I have something I must confess.” His wife replied, “No need dear. Try to sleep.” Jake insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend and even your Mom.” His wife replied, “There, there now. I know. Now you can rest and let the poison work.” I feel the same way about the people who use ABC for “American-Born Chinese.”
In social marketing, ABC stands for “Attract, Build, Collect”. In other words, you get people to like or use your business, build relationships with them, and collect information for potential customers. The ABC of life is based on three things that are required for the next to be effective- Airway, Breathing and Circulation. How you conduct yourself comes down to the ABC’s of “Antecedent, Behaviour, and Consequence”.
And planning for teaching comes down to Attention, Basics and Comprehension. While those are important and helpful, what about the ABCs of Love? Well, A is for Always, that’s how long I’ll love you for. B is for bear hug, to show I love you more. C is for cherish- looking after one another. While there is a “D” for “devoted”, most men I know stop at “C” and if their wives get the opportunity, that is where they will be lost. At C. This is why men leave out “D”. They are convinced that what their wives don’t know won’t hurt either of them. This is known as “What D heck?”
These four words, A, B, C and D, are the beginning of what is known as the “phonetic” alphabet. This is a spelling alphabet used by airlines, pilots, police, the military and other officials when they’re communicating by phone. The idea is to ensure that the letters are clearly understood even if the speech is distorted or hard to hear. Each word signifies the first four letters of the English alphabet: Alpha= the letter “A”; Bravo= the letter “B”; Charlie = the letter “C”; and Delta = the letter “D”. So, if you wanted to include the word “bad” as part of “Tony is a bad son of a ‘B’ you would say “Bravo Alpha Delta.” This avoids spelling errors especially when you’re using phones.
Despite, or perhaps because they are the most used ones, the first four letters of the alphabet, ABCD, are the hardest to deal with. The rest are E-Z. Of course, these still have problems. For instance, pirates can’t learn the alphabet like we did in school because they spend most of their time at C. When our teacher in kindergarten asked, “What letters come after ‘M’?” The whole class shouted, “NO!”
What always creates trouble is when men try to outsmart or make jokes at the expense of their wives. This one I consider the ABCs of marriage. After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her carefully from head to toe and then said, “You are A, B, C, as well as D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K.”
Suspicious of what he was up to she asked: “What does that mean?” He grinned and then started with the ABC, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute”. Then he went on to, “Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot.” She was so happy she beamed and kissed him first saying, “Oh, that’s so lovely!” Then she asked, “But what about I, J and K?” His reply was, “I’m Just Kidding!” From what I hear, the swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals.
The organisation the neighbours called for help was the St John’s Ambulance which goes beyond ABC and starts with DR (Danger Response), something the husband learnt too late. The other three, the ABC, are “Airway, Breathing and Circulation” which initially treats the steps that are needed. In the husband’s case, all three were clogged. The man’s mistake in trying to joke at his wife’s expense put him in “comas” when one comma could have saved him like, “What is this thing called love?” and “What is this thing called, love?” Or, instead of answering about the I, J and K, he could have saved himself with a full stop which, funnily, is known as a “period” in the US. As any girl in that country will tell you, it’s never a full stop.
There are a lot more ABCs like “Already Been Chewed” (supposedly about online food but with at least one other usage and not by Beavers); “Ambulance Be Coming” (as in the case of the man who paid for his IJK); “Avoid Bad Company” (something my mother unfortunately never told me); “Always Bring Cash” (I get that often especially when my bad company invited me to go out with them); and “Adversity Builds Character” (except for members of my bad company). The interesting thing about the company I kept, especially in the old days, is that they helped me to be able to play cricket, run and lift weights even at my age.
The ABCs of sports are basic athletic abilities- “Agility, Balance and Coordination”. This came in very handy when the police chased us for gambling under the streetlight; the chicken farm owner pulled out a gun when we tried to “borrow” one of his edible flock and we had to flock off fast; and most important and often of all, when my mother asked me to clean my room.
Talking about my Mom, when I was much younger she bought small cans of alphabet soup and used to tell the shopkeeper that she was buying it because I loved it so much that I asked her to bring some for me. That wasn’t true. She was just putting words in my mouth.
*Tony Deyal was last seen saying that proper capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.
